Thumper and 10 Fascinating People

Yesterday I watched the Barbara Walters television special on the 10 most fascinating people of 2006. Because I wanted a link to put with this entry, I googled her show, and that's how I came to find out that Martha Stewart told Howard Stern that she has a dildo named Thumper. I have no trouble believing that Martha Stewart names her favorite things. I have a huge problem wrapping my mind around Martha Stewart taking time from shaving chocolate curls and playing Scrabble and helping herself to the food off other peoples' plates to pencil in time with a dildo. Further, if you ask me, and granted no one did, I find that tidbit of information more fascinating, albeit it in a slightly distasteful way, than any of the names on Barbara Walters' list of fascinating people.

But I'm digressing. The subject was that deplorable tv show.

First off, you gotta wonder what this world is coming to when Barbara Walters breaks her own rules. She clearly states that it is a requirement to be on her List to be alive. Then comes the "however" to explain the fact that she profiled a dead man through his wife. I'm referring, of course, to Steve Irwin. Now, I know it's practically comitting heresy in some sectors to say this, but I fail to see what's so all fired fascinating about a guy who routinely played with crocodiles getting stung to death by a stingray. I don't mean to be insensitive, but I am not fascinated by someone who thinks he's smarter than any of Mother Nature's scariest creatures. To me that simply exhibits an overzealous need for attention and a level of arrogance usually associated with getting oneself killed.

The rest of those profiled by Walters were indeed alive, but fascinating? Good God... how desperate have we become that we accept this pathetic list of people as captivating and absorbing? Maybe self-absorbed, but captivating? Puhleeeeeeeze.

1. Brangelina? Who cares?


2. Jay-Z? Yeah, I need integrity lessons from someone who believes he learned his ethics lessons by being a troof-ful drug dealer.


3. John Ramsey? I have no clue why he was included on this list. He's had a difficult life full of entirely too much tragedy. But as far as I could see, he did nothing to make himself more compelling in 2006 than he was in say 2005.


4. Patrick Dempsey? Had Walters addressed his being seized by the throat by Isaiah Washington and all the intimate details of that encounter, maybe we could stretch fascinating a bit to include him. Except Walters simply wanted to talk to him about being a sex symbol. Since George Clooney beat Dempsey in that contest at People Magazine this year, wouldn't Clooney have been a more obvious, although still a boring, choice?


5. Andre Agassi? I figured he was included because his speech after losing his last match at the 2006 US Tennis Open was reminiscent of Lou Gehrig's farewell speech in Yankee Stadium only without so much microphone feed-back.


6. Anna Wintour? She thinks we can tell what the political climate of the country is by watching what hideous outfits top of the line designers create for absolutely no one sane to wear. That may make her demented; it does not make her fascinating.


7. Rev Joel Osteen? Okay, now we're getting into people who make my skin crawl territory. I do not find people who make me want to wash in any way fascinating.


8. Sacha Baron Cohen? Ditto on the making my skin crawl and wanting to wash. If I never have to see that moron wearing his green thong again, it will be waaaaay too soon.

All of this made way for the Number 1 Most Fascinating Person in 2006. This is where I almost hurled. It is also where I shouted a long string of expletives at my television set.

The person who received this Barbara Walters Dubious Distinction was... _{no drumroll just pass the barf bags}...

Nancy Pelosi.

It seems to me that the first thing Nancy Pelosi should do before taking on her position as 2 heartbeats away from the Presidency, is learn how to talk with those teeth of hers. They're too big for her mouth, and they make her strongly resemble The Big Bad Wolf, or, if you prefer, Martin Sheen -- who also had to work very hard to overcome his huge new teeth.

The second thing Nancy Pelosi should do after officially becoming Speaker of the House is sit down and STFU because every time she opens her mouth she makes a fool of herself.

The third thing Nancy Pelosi should do after dusting the podium and serving coffee to all others in the House is stop talking about using her Mommie voice to get results. It would also make her seem a touch more professional if she'd drop the "just a housewife" phrase from her vocabulary.

And finally, if Nancy Pelosi really cared about this country, she'd resign so none of us had to hear the sound of her moronic voice spewing verbal diarrhea all over the place whenever she can find a microphone that's plugged into an outlet.

Since it is highly unlikely that Barbara Walters will give up her idea to feature 10 people at the end of each year on a television special, I simply suggest that she change the title of her program to one that more accurately describes the content of her show. I think it should be called The Top Ten Media Hogs of Year Whatever. She can maintain her rules about inclusion only being for those who are alive, but then I strongly suggest she follow her own guidelines and not drag someone's widow or widower into the act.

Of course, in spite of what's likely or unlikely, the best solution would be to retire this ghastly program completely because THAT would really be fascinating!