Banking Nonsense or Why It Might Make Sense To Keep Your Money In Your Mattress After All

I used to be the Head Teller in a bank. I liked my job very much. Couldn't stand most of the people I worked with, downright loathed upper management, but I loved what I did on a daily basis.

The reason I couldn't stand most of the people I worked with was because they were a clannish group that were more interested in sticking it to each other than they were in sticking to the jobs they were paid to do. They kept track of things like who was 1 minute late getting back from lunch or who spent too much time with a customer so that other tellers might wait on more people in a day. Crap like that. I had to supervise this dysfunctional group of petty women; their stupid complaints and score keeping made me crazy. I didn't have the time or inclination to stay on top of 1 minute tardiness when the Washout Account was showing a $739.52 entry, and I had to figure out which one of those dufuses had screwed it up -- again. That doesn't make me smarter or better than them; it just meant I had work to do, and I wanted to do it rather than become involved in nonsense. The troops got very restless over that attitude. I often repeated John Rebus' mantra: FYTP.

The reason I loathed upper management was because they darn near got down on their hands and knees and begged to be loathed. They were condescending, patronizing, sexual harrassmentizing pains in the butt who went out of their way to come up with all kinds of nasty procedures for tellers to do believing these ridiculous exercises in futility would drive huge hordes of people into the bank as prospective customers.

Take, for example, their "referral program". Each teller was expected to assign a goal to herself to bring in new business to the bank each month. If, after doing a search on an individual customer, it was noted that the customer may only have had a checking account with the bank, it was up to the teller to convince the customer that he or she could not possibly live without at least 2 or 3 more services. If the customer didn't have a debit card, by all means nail her with one. If she didn't have a savings account, she needed to have one of those babies to survive. If she had big bucks, direct her to the Trust Department (which was run by an arrogant prick I would only send my enemies to see). If she looked like she may keel over tomorrow, get her to sign up for a safe deposit box so she had a nice comfy, secure place to keep her will. Essentially we were supposed to harass customers into getting bank products that they hadn't asked for, usually didn't want, and resented being constantly solicited to get.

I had occasion to visit one of our branches once when I needed to cash a check. I went to the drive-up window and presented my personal check along with id.

The teller said to me, "You know you could do this transaction through the ATM machine."

Me: Yes, I know that. But the ATM machine will not give me this amount of money nor will it give me the currency the way I want it.

The Teller: Do you have an ATM card?

Me: Yes

The Teller: Do you need help in learning how to use it?

Part of my job was balancing and replenishing the ATM machine at our branch daily.

Me: No, but if it's too much trouble for you to cash my check, then I'll either go to another teller or another bank.

The Teller: The ATM machine could save you time.

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

This teller would have gotten several attagirls had upper management heard her conversation with the customer. In spite of the fact that the customer was annoyed and wanted to throttle her. Upper management believed it was making customers happy by browbeating them into getting more bank products. Besides, the more products a person has, the less likely she is to close out everything and go elsewhere. Or so the marketing committee would have people believe.

I left the wonderful world of banking shortly before the era of the mad mergers began. It seemed like every other day one bank was changing its name to become something else because there was this mania for larger banks swallowing up smaller banks. What this did, in effect, was destroy an already weakening customer service.

The ink on one merger was barely dry before the merged bank was again merged with a larger bank. Tellers were losing jobs right and left OR they were being offered jobs that were a 2 hour commute from where they lived. In this area, people do not commute 2 hours one way (4 hours round trip) for a job. In this area people believe that's just nuts. They're correct, of course, but that didn't stop banks from saying they were not firing people because they were offering them replacement opportunities. Yeah right.

While I was employed in banking, I took courses offered through the AIB (American Institute of Banking) program. I took any class I could get within reasonable traveling distance from where I live. I was fortunate enough to have had some excellent AIB instructors, and the very best of these taught classes in customer service. Personally I believe much of customer service is a no-brainer, and that if you've got any common sense at all, you'll know how to provide the best service to your customers. Still, I learned some good techniques through the classes I took. But that was back in the days when customer service actually meant providing customers with attention and care to their needs. This is no longer the case.

Recently someone I know has been applying to banks for a job. She has previous banking experience. She recently had interviews with 2 banks; one of them is new to the area and has set up branch offices in WalMart stores. In our area, WalMart had tried that experience before. When they opened their Super Stores, they wanted to offer people the one-stop, never-have-to-leave-their-building-for-anything-else kind of service. Therefore, you could go to WalMart and get your groceries, your clothing, a new hair-do, your pictures taken, breakfast/lunch/dinner, your nails done, your prescriptions filled, your oil changed, new blades for your box cutter, and any other item you'd normally get in a department/auto-supply/sporting goods/etc store. Granted, the ambience left something to be desired, but the prices were great, and they did have EVERYTHING!

But not everything caught on, and the bank was one of those things. I never once saw a customer in the bank when I went to WalMart, and after a while I noticed that the bank name kept changing. That was either because of more bank mergers OR because a bank in WalMart is just not profitable. But now there's a new kid on the block, my friend interviewed with it, and it's very very high on itself.

This new bank wants to give the WalMart customer the ultimate in banking experiences. Which is why, I suppose, they have a rather peculiar list of duties they want their employees to perform. These items are not necessarily on the job description, mind you... but if you want to stay employed, you'd better deliver on them.

1. If a WalMart clerk in the grocery department seems pretty busy, help bag groceries.


2. If it's raining, usher old ladies to their cars with an umbrella.


3. Quiz WalMart employees about the bank to make sure they're up-to-date on what the bank offers.


4. Wander through the store talking to customers about banking and encourage them to open an account.


5. Walk through the store giving out balloons to children while encouraging their parents to open a bank account with you.

And this is just the list my friend could remember. There could be much, much more.

So once again, customer service comes down to a game of Harass the Customer, and forget about actually having to wait on customers at teller windows -- who has the time when she's busy bagging groceries, sloshing through puddle riddled parking lots with old ladies and their packages, and greeting the customers with balloons and bank brochures when they enter the front door. Until they've got you signed up and in the customer data base, these people will carry you piggyback to and from your car if you want. But after that? When you need service? If you're lucky, you may get a balloon, but you'll have to fake being under 10 years of age to get that.

Like I said at the beginning... maybe your money is better off in your mattress.