Welcome To The Parker - A 5-Star Example of Incompetence

In my quest to sop up as much trash tv as possible, I started watching a new series on Bravo TV called Welcome To The Parker.

The Parker, for those who don't know, and until I began watching the tv show I never heard of it, is a 5-star Hotel in Palm Springs. Management proudly wears their 5-Stars and will flash them in the face of anyone who will listen to the bragging that goes on about what wonderful perfectionism runs The Parker day to day. When I heard all that boasting, I knew I had to watch this program because I wanted to see how long it would take before this place was exposed as the cesspool of incompetence I had a feeling it was. Anyone who carries on that much about how well they serve their clientele is either lying or badly disillusioned. "But wait!" you may say. "They've got 5-Stars! Doesn't that mean something?" It means absolutely nothing, but if you believe it does, then you've probably got a deed in your safe deposit box which claims you own the Brooklyn Bridge, right?

First of all, I want to know who hands out these 5-star ratings. My guess would be it's an anorexic blind woman who wants to sleep with Samir Chraibi. That would explain why the food critic explained one item on the menu as tasting like sawdust, and it would also explain why no one noticed, until Jonathan Adler showed up to point it out, that a fluffer should be hired for the lobby.

Frankly, I don't know why anyone cares what Jonathan Adler thinks about anything. The guy is annoying, stupid, and grossly over-rated. He actually believes hotels should hire people to fluff pillows placed around the inhabited areas for artistic affect. Jonathan also wants hotels, particularly The Parker, to continue allowing pets to stay with paying guests. When Jonathan was informed that the whole pet thing was on its way out as far as hotels are concerned, Jonathan was appalled. Have you ever seen Jonathan Adler do appalled? It makes you want to direct your eyes at your shoes, the ceiling, the horizon -- anywhere but at that idiotic man putting on airs who is pretending like his huffing and puffing will blow the house down. I'd say he was doing his impression of The Big Bad Wolf, but Jonathan Adler in that role is just patently absurd.

And apparently our anorexic blind woman with an urge for Samir never checked up on the room service, nor did she bother to check out waiters or entree presenters or whatever they're called at The Parker. On a routine in-house check done by a chef from the kitchen and her supervisor, it was discovered that it took 7 rings for the room service staff to answer the telephone. And when the food critic visited for the day to sample the various menu choices guests have in the dining room, her waiter made a few blunders that should never have occurred at a place displaying a 5-Star rating.

But that's nothing compared to what was allowed to go on in the Gene Autry room, which, we've been assured, is the top of the line place to stay while at The Parker. For reasons never made clear, management permitted a rowdy group of ping pong tournament players to stay in the Gene Autry room, and when their behavior began raising a few eyebrows, management sent a woman who looked like she couldn't lift a speck of sand off her own eyelash to straighten things out. Everyone except management knew from the get-go that the stylish chick with every hair in place slinging a walkie-talkie from her hand much like Marshall Dillon twirled his 6-shooter wasn't going to be able to do squat to get the ping pong boys in line so they wouldn't trash the place. And trash the place they did. Whereupon management actually had the gall to look surprised that such a thing could happen.

Through it all, Samir, all 6'6" of former basketball star turned hotel manager, remained calm, cool, and collected while he stood around watching everyone else do the clean up in the Gene Autry room or while he sat at his desk looking pensive repeating his one line about having 5-Stars.

This is, indeed, another addition to the reality based tv shows I would rather watch than any 5 episodes of Lost or Nancy Grace or the past poorly done season of Grey's Anatomy. This is gooooood stuff.

Before Jonathan Adler left The Parker after his most recent stay, he advised management to hang a new picture on the wall in a space Jonathan felt was just crying out for something unique! Jonathan's idea of the perfect component for this space was a framed picture that had the word D R U G S spelled out just like <-- that. Only one person on the staff asked if Adler had lost his mind during the whole episode I saw, and that wasn't over the DRUGS sign -- that was over the pillow fluffer hiring. It is absolutely hilarious watching all those people trying to behave as they believe upper-crust service personnel would behave even when they know they are doing ridiculous things for eccentric lunatics. I, for one, wouldn't miss an episode!