Gary Collins Has No Friends

As part of his stand up act, comedian Richard Jenni used to do a segment on logic. He was hilarious as he set out to prove with the fundamentals of logic how a statement could be true or false. For example:

God Is Love
Love Is Blind
Ray Charles Is Blind
Therefore: Ray Charles Is God
Unfortunately Richard Jenni is no longer with us, but I will use his logic model to come to my own conclusions about another of Hollywood's icons who can't seem to understand the basics of driving drunk.

Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Gary Collins was arrested for DUI.
Therefore: Gary Collins has no friends.

Gary Collins need not worry, though, because he's not alone. He joins what is turning into a pack of Hollywood morons who, fortunately, haven't killed anyone yet, but isn't that just a matter of time since it appears that many celebrities who like to drink also like to drive and get caught driving drunk enough to warrant a citation.

Mel Gibson (okay, well maybe he really doesn't have any friends), Paris Hilton (probably ditto on the friends thing for her too), Kiefer Sutherland, Nicole Ritchie (another ditto on the friends thing), Bill Murray, Lindsay Lohan, Jaime Luis Gomez, Ray Liotta, Nick Nolte, Tracy Morgan, Gus Van Sant, Haley Joel Osment, and the list goes on and on. And that list doesn't even cover the legislators like Representative Patrick Kennedy.

Or how about the sports figures. This is one of my very favorite DUI's: Tony La Russa was arrested because he fell asleep at a traffic light (actually he slept through two green lights) and had a blood alcohol level that exceeded Florida's limit for DUI.

I have no doubt that this is not a new trend among celebrities from any genre. I think the reason there seems to be an increase in the number of high profile people who drive drunk and get caught is because the media is there to catch more of them doing it. I also think studios and celebrity managers have far less clout than they used to have when it comes to keeping this kind of thing out of the public eye. We now live in an era of what I call Kicking A Dead Dog. As soon as a Hollywood icon falls off his or her pedestal, there's a plethora of reports and scandal sheets salivating to record every single solitary sordid detail -- with pictures if possible. And the longer those sharks can keep a story in the public view while ripping whatever is left of a celebrity's dignity and reputation to shreds, the better they like it.

Which is not to say that I feel sorry for any celebrity DUI who gets the stuffing kicked out of him or her by the press. This is not a smokeless fire -- if the celeb hadn't been caught DUI'ing, the press would have nothing to write about. Wait. Let me amend that. They'd only have the size of Kirsti Alley's thighs or another of Britney's Oh-my-gosh-did-I-forget-my-undies-again stories. Monday night Marie Osmond apparently fainted (I'm still not convinced that wasn't one of her attention getting stunts) on Dancing With The Stars. Entertainment Tonight has made a two, possibly three, day story of this, and Mary Hart is strutting her stuff crowing about how she got the exclusive, and what I see on ET about this incident will not be seen anywhere else. Gee, you mean no one else begged Donnie Osmond to critique frame by frame the video of Marie's thud to the floor? Well, the rest of the world just doesn't appreciate what a BFS (that's BIG F'ING STORY) this really is! I certainly hope Marie Osmond has a driver. Or friends. Since she "forgets to breathe" on occasion, it's probably a real good idea that she doesn't drive.

Meanwhile, back on the freeways of California and other remote areas of the US where celebrities' rubber meets the road, the DUI count continues to rise.

I've got a plan to fix this. I think, since obviously by my logic these big name booze guzzlers have no friends, a group be formed called Adopt-A-Smashed-Star or ASS. There could be a telethon where celebrities show up to make a pitch for someone to adopt them as a friend and keep them out of DUI mishaps. The celebrities could arrange whatever incentives they like for people to be rewarded for accepting this challenge. Telethons would be held 4 times a year on PBS during a week long fund drive during which the movies The Days Of Wine and Roses and Lost Weekend would be run over and over again. When a person called in and agreed to Adopt-A-Smashed-Star, PBS would immediately send them one of their sturdy canvas tote bags with the words "I Support ASS" in +3 font sized red glitter letters.

This could work people. It could definitely get some of those dangerous drunk celebrities off the roads. And just think how pleased Aunt Maude will be when she receives her ASS tote bag just in time for Christmas.

We need to do something to get these people off the road, and 5 minute jail sentences just aren't cutting it.