Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii

Judge Rob Murfitt from New Zealand declared a 9 year old girl a ward of the court so that it would be possible to change her name. The girl's parents are now separated and have made their child the object of a custody battle, but while they were still a family, they conceived and delivered their child into this world whereupon they promptly named her: Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. Judge Murfitt believes the parents used "very poor judgment" in choosing this name for their child.

I say Judge Murfitt is horribly understating the magnitude of what those morons did in naming their child. I say what they did should be punishable by death. Let's teach these morons a lesson. They want to name their child something profoundly stupid? Fine. Think it's the right of a parent to do this? Fine. Put your money where your feeble non-existent brain is and die for it. That'll make parents think twice before they hang some insipid moniker on a poor innocent child who will have to drag that hideous name with him or her like a rotting albatross around his or her neck until it can be legally changed when the child becomes an adult and can deal with such things.

I believe in mandatory sterilization for people who show absolutely no sense in the realm of breeding. I have an acquaintance (a very distant one) who once told me that one more baby simply means making another peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She had 6 children by that time and was incubating her 7th. From what I'd observed of her parenting skills with the 6 little blondies she'd already produced, and I made this observation based upon the terminally confused expressions each of those kids wore like a badge, her ability to reproduce should have been forcibly restrained before she had any offspring to show for her fornicating, but surely after the first child hit the deck, that should have been enough.

Never mind that the father of these children, who was a massive and useless mountain of pale, undulating, marshmallowy flesh who did nothing more than sit in a pool chair and burp (think a very pale Jabba The Hut with a lisp and by all means, keep the drool) when he wasn't off making millions at his job as a beer distributor during working hours, because he didn't have two functioning brain cells that weren't attached to his dick, so I say just send him directly to death row. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. We can try holding him somewhat accountable for bringing all those poor unsuspecting children into the world, but he wouldn't have the first clue what we're talking about. If it doesn't have the word nookie attached to it somewhere leading directly to some woman's pleasure palace, or if it doesn't go ca-ching when pressed, then he's simply not interested.

No, I hold the mother (and I use that term in its loosest possible sense) responsible. After all, she hauled those little guys around with her for the mandatory 9 months, and she birthed their frail little souls either with or without the burped accompaniment of "breathe, breathe, breathe" from good old Jabba. She should have more respect for the whole process than to dumb it down to "one more peanut butter and jelly sandwich".

BTW, her children are all grown now. (She ended up with 9 kids - 8 with Jabba and one with the husband she acquired after she divorced Jabba.) The ones who haven't crawled back to daddy to ask for financial support because they have no idea how to make it in this world without his money, or the ones who simply turned to a life of crime rather than have to use those little parasol umbrellas usually put in fancy mixed drinks to have discussions with their father about finance (Jabba lisps, therefore he spits when he talks)-- those poor souls still wear that look of bewilderment. I worry for them. I want to bring them home and feed them something other than PB&J and nurture them, but it occurs to me they might stay so I stifle the urge.

But I digress. This started out to be about Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. Thanks to the kindness and good old fashioned common sense of Judge Murfitt she won't have to go through life with that terrible name. I cannot even imagine the verbal abuse from which that Judge rescued her.

But what about all those other poor children who have been branded with inappropriate or outrageously stupid names? I say we make thoughtless, flippant, ill conceived names an offense punishable by death. I don't know for certain that this would be a deterrent, but like Judy Tanuda says, "It could happen." Unfortunately, though, I'm not holding my breath.